Well today (after a night of no sleep) I looked at the mirror and said "ehh, I don't need to work-out today, I look fine." It hit me then. I don't want things to be FINE. I want them to be great and fine is just a cop out for settling for something that is less than what I can do and be. I don't want my life to be fine. I want things to be great. I want to be a great wife, mom, and person. I want to do great things. I want to be successful. I want to feel driven to do something more. I want to feel confident and not just in the way I look. But also in the person I am, who I feel like I am and things I want to do with my life. I don't know why I hold back. Ex. If I want to ask somebody to come have a playdate with the kids and I. I DON'T ASK. And then I pout to Sammy because I don't have friends. When I am around people, I hold back. I feel less than confident and it makes me awkward. When I want to approach somebody I don't know, I don't. But I want to. I mean really, if I am only worried about failing, I would be in the same boat I am in now. So I think that trying and failing would be a lot better than not trying at all. I think I could surprise myself.
Now, I am not unhappy with my life at all. I love my life. But I know I could be more and I think that not trying will ultimately make me unhappy. I will look at the things other people do with their life and be jealous. But I don't have the right to be jealous if I haven't even tried to do it for myself.
This applies to all areas of my life. And probably at least in one way for yours too. And if it doesn't, and you're perfect, congratulations.
Weight-loss, when I am over-weight I will notice a fit person and feel self conscious. But when I am TRYING, I don't really notice anybody else. Because when I know I am doing what I need to do, that is all that matters and that makes me feel confident.
My kids. When I take the time to "hear" them. When I let them feel bigger than me. When I stop being the "leader" and I let them teach me. It makes me feel good and makes them feel even better. Even if it something small like them telling me what to paint on their picture or let them chase me in the woods or smell their stinky feet. Lately I have been doing this more and it is helping everything. With Sammy away for work I sometimes fall into the roll of being extra strict. I don't like it, they don't like. Sometimes they still need that though.
Sammy. When I quit doubting/blaming myself for little things, I realized that he didn't doubt or blame me at all. Sometimes, I do things that are annoying. *Shocking* and he calls me out on it. *I'm so glad he does!* Before I got straight with myself I would blame him because I was embarrassed about being blamed and blah blah blah, I would make nothing into a thing. Now, I still get embarrassed but instead I don't blame anybody. I think "yea, that was annoying, but that's all it was." And then we may chuckle at it and I go on about my day not thinking about it again.
My house. I like a clean house. Not spotless. When it isn't clean, I doubt myself. When I lay down at night, I think about all I "should have" done and I get down on myself. But when I just DO IT and keep it clean, I actually have more time to surf the internet, do my crafts, go shopping, watch a movie without feeling bad at all. I currently have a load of laundry on my bed but I don't feel bad about it all. My house isn't ever "dirty", it's always just been "fine". But that is not good enough for me. It's a cop out to what I can do and what I can organize and there is always something I can do around here.
I don't want to be perfect. I don't strive to be the best. I will mess up in one area of my life on a daily basis I'm sure. I will eat a bag of chips, knowing that the apple on the counter is better. I will hush the kids instead of listening so we can get something done quickly and efficiently and I will make nothing into a thing (even if it just for a few minutes) with Sammy. I will leave a load of laundry sitting on the couch or the bed more than once a week and I will be awkward in a crowd or when I don't want to be. But, I don't want those things to be what I feel like defines me. I want my life, my health, my kids, my relationships, my success to be more than fine. I want them to be great.
Now if you're still with me, I will briefly say what I've done the past few days in regards to working out/eating.
Friday: I forgot my nephew's birthday party was right at my workout time. I did that work out early and went light on a small bite of cake and ice cream. Soon after though, I chowed down on some cheese puffs and doritos. Then Smarties. Yum.
Saturday: My day of rest. Took the kids to a roller skating party (FUN). Ate a piece of pizza and Caralee's crust (the best part) and then went home and ate a smoothie for dinner.
It was all fun and games until Jackson realized that he had on "little skates" and he wanted the big ones so he could go fast. Poor guy, he tried so hard to go fast and fell so many times. Ultimately, he ended up so cranky that he wasn't the best that we had to leave. It was sweet to see how hard he tried.
Sunday: Woke up in the 130's because of my day of rest and had a good day. That evening, Caralee and Jackson wanted sandwiches for dinner. I make homemade bread and my last batch was the best ever so I figured I'd eat a sandwich (hold all the condiments and cheese) and work it off with the Ripped in 30 DVD. Then, devastation struck as my DVD player held the DVD hostage. I didn't really try to hard to get it out and did 30 minutes on the elliptical working off 375 calories.
Monday: Tired, exhausted after helping Jackson control his asthma all day and didn't "wake up" until almost 10:30. Ate a handful of this and that (read: chips, Reese Puff cereal and marshmallows). Ate a tiny sandwich and a sweet potato. Then for dinner had a small bowl of chicken noodle soup. Then banged out that work-out on level 3. My arms are hating me right now. Still waking up at 140. Arghh. I know, it's just a number but it really annoys me. Can I just wake up and be 133 tomorrow, please.
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