ARGHH.

     ARGHH. That is how I feel right now. I have been eating damn near close to PERFECT and exercising every day. I haven't eaten out and I haven't eaten late. I have been drinking a ton of water and cut back on caffeine a ton. I have not lost ONE pound. My pants still feel as tight(er) as they did almost a week ago. Talk about frustrating. What I wanted to do was to stuff my face. But luckily, I couldn't, because I quit buying snack foods. Thank goodness. 

     This past week I have done the Ripped in 30 a few days, took a rest day (still watched my calories) and then the elliptical today. I've been eating a lot of smoothies, salads and really limited my bread intake. Maybe I'm eating too little? I don't know. I eat when I'm hungry. I think I will start counting calories again to make sure I am getting enough. My smoothies are loaded with calories (from fruit, yogurt, whole milk, orange juice) and my salads have protein on them (turkey/ham slices, uncured pepperoni). I'm extremely frustrated. Not discouraged. I just need to figure out what I'm doing wrong and fix it. 

     Want to know something funny? I put on my jeans (they were tighter than normal because I washed them. Holllaaaa to all ya'll who wear your jeans 4 or more times before washing). Anyways, I pulled out my skinniest pair of jeans and threw them on the bed. Just to torture myself I guess. I walked out of the room and when I walked back in I immediately thought "When did I buy those pants for Jackson?". My three year old. The pants looked so small to me, that they must NOT be mine. Whoa. That really put it into perspective for me. I need to do more. I need to really figure out what's going on because I SHOULD be losing weight. At least .1 lbs. At least. And I don't need to hear some bull crap about "building muscle". Because I can't tell a difference and my pushups are still as weak as a week or more ago. 

     And what am I going to blame this on? I'm going to blame it on the lack of sleep I've been giving myself. 5-6 hours a night isn't going to cut it and I know how important sleep is when you're trying to lose weight so I'm going to bed in T-minus 10 minutes. 

      So, tomorrow I will be counting my calories. I do it on myfitnesspal.com and my username is kfarnham9. Find me and help me be accountable. And also, I'm going to start running outside again. Maybe pair it with my Ripped in 30 DVD if I'm feeling lofty. 

     Anybody else feel like you're in a rut? What do you do to get out of it?! 

     Another problem I have is with meeting new people. I am really shy and hold back. I think I mentioned that in a previous post. My daughter had her first ballet class today. I felt awkward at first in the waiting room with the other mom's but in the short 45 minutes we were there I talked with a couple of the other mom's. And in my "normal" voice. ;) You know what I'm talking about, when you talk with the lady at the bank you use a different voice than when you're talking with your husband. I tend to do that with most people when I feel uncomfortable/nervous/shy. But today, I didn't hold back and even asked questions in conversation. 

Caralee practicing the day before her dance class. She LOVES it. 

And just to be fair. Here's a sweet picture I took of Jackson today. 

     

     

Off My Wagon

139 and I am FINE WITH THAT! (yes, I wear that cardi multiple times a week)

    So, Sammy works out of town and when he comes back in town, I get out of my routine. Which is fine. I struggle for a day with not being the main boss of the house but then it's all good. But, we eat out. A lot. Because he doesn't get to eat good food at work and because we both just like to eat. And I like using his week(s) at home as an excuse to relax, go out to eat and just hang out. I definitely have the time to workout and make good decisions when he is home but I choose not to. So we go to Olive Garden at lunchtime when Jackson is at school and eat (even if I just eat a soup/salad, those damn breadsticks get to me). 

    I am gonna be real honest with ya. I am off my own wagon. I didn't just fall off, I fell off, got ran over and it left me 6 miles behind. I don't think I've stepped on the scale in days because I already know I haven't lost any weight. I haven't worked out in DAYS. I have gone to Wild Wings TWICE in like, a week. I ate chicken wings on the bone. And I love their sweet tater fries. And I eat the whole basket while I'm sipping on sweet tea. I have no shame. That place is good. 

     I have been more careful about what I eat when I know I'm not going to work out. If I know I'm going to eat out that night, I usually just eat a smoothie for breakfast and a salad for lunch and PIG OUT for dinner. When Caralee and I stopped for lunch, we split a 1/2 salad 1/2 sandwich deal. I don't know if this is me trying to justify my eating/not working out but whatever. It helps me sleep at night. Extra roll and all.
     So, now I'm ready to quit being lazy about my exercising and get back to it. HAHAHAAA <-- I actually '"lol'ed" when I thought about my goal of 133 by Valentine's Day. I am not going to be anywhere CLOSE to that. And you know what? That's okay. Not a big deal. Because I am learning to be happy with me, no matter what I look like. And being 7 lbs. over my goal is NOT the end of the world. I have been there, where all I could think about was losing weight. It consumed me and ruined many days. When I stepped on the scale and cried because it wasn't where I wanted to be. Where I was grumpy to my family because I was unhappy of my appearance. And I wish I could go back and tell myself that it is all part of the journey. There will be pauses, you will get off track and be mad because you want instant gratification. But just stop, get your fat pants on, smile and try again. You only really fail if you don't try. And pausing and getting off track is not failing. It's just part of your journey. So enjoy those hot wings, sweet tater fries and drink that sweet tea. And try again at your next meal.
     This is the first time that I have "paused" on my journey and been 100% okay with it. I don't feel like a failure. I just feel like a real person.
     So to make this short and sweet (and yes, I know you've heard this a million times), be happy with who you are. What you are at this minute is not going to change overnight, it takes time. Don't spend time being pissed about a number on a scale.
      **Confession: My biggest pig out was at a Thai Fusion restaurant. Yea, just imagine. Nom nom.

And just for funsies:

Jackson: being sweet so I will read his bedtime story

Caralee: having a pretend picnic

Sammy: my handsome hubby. :)

You can follow me on instagram: kfarnham9    for more pictures of all the cuties above. And food pictures. 

Fine

     Fine. The word fine is frustrating. Women, when you ask your husband how you look and he replies "fine".... what do you do? Me, I get back in that closet and find something else (actually, I do that anyway). Men, when you ask your wife, "honey, what's wrong?" and she replies, "nothing, I'm fine". You should know that everything is NOT FINE.
     Well today (after a night of no sleep) I looked at the mirror and said "ehh, I don't need to work-out today, I look fine." It hit me then. I don't want things to be FINE. I want them to be great and fine is just a cop out for settling for something that is less than what I can do and be. I don't want my life to be fine. I want things to be great. I want to be a great wife, mom, and person. I want to do great things. I want to be successful. I want to feel driven to do something more. I want to feel confident and not just in the way I look. But also in the person I am, who I feel like I am and things I want to do with my life. I don't know why I hold back. Ex. If I want to ask somebody to come have a playdate with the kids and I. I DON'T ASK. And then I pout to Sammy because I don't have friends. When I am around people, I hold back. I feel less than confident and it makes me awkward. When I want to approach somebody I don't know, I don't. But I want to. I mean really, if I am only worried about failing, I would be in the same boat I am in now. So I think that trying and failing would be a lot better than not trying at all. I think I could surprise myself.
     Now, I am not unhappy with my life at all. I love my life. But I know I could be more and I think that not trying will ultimately make me unhappy. I will look at the things other people do with their life and be jealous. But I don't have the right to be jealous if I haven't even tried to do it for myself.
     This applies to all areas of my life. And probably at least in one way for yours too. And if it doesn't, and you're perfect, congratulations.
     Weight-loss, when I am over-weight I will notice a fit person and feel self conscious. But when I am TRYING, I don't really notice anybody else. Because when I know I am doing what I need to do, that is all that matters and that makes me feel confident.
     My kids. When I take the time to "hear" them. When I let them feel bigger than me. When I stop being the "leader" and I let them teach me. It makes me feel good and makes them feel even better. Even if it something small like them telling me what to paint on their picture or let them chase me in the woods or smell their stinky feet. Lately I have been doing this more and it is helping everything. With Sammy away for work I sometimes fall into the roll of being extra strict. I don't like it, they don't like. Sometimes they still need that though.
     Sammy. When I quit doubting/blaming myself for little things, I realized that he didn't doubt or blame me at all. Sometimes, I do things that are annoying. *Shocking* and he calls me out on it. *I'm so glad he does!* Before I got straight with myself I would blame him because I was embarrassed about being blamed and blah blah blah, I would make nothing into a thing. Now, I still get embarrassed but instead I don't blame anybody. I think "yea, that was annoying, but that's all it was." And then we may chuckle at it and I go on about my day not thinking about it again.
     My house. I like a clean house. Not spotless. When it isn't clean, I doubt myself. When I lay down at night, I think about all I "should have" done and I get down on myself. But when I just DO IT and keep it clean, I actually have more time to surf the internet, do my crafts, go shopping, watch a movie without feeling bad at all. I currently have a load of laundry on my bed but I don't feel bad about it all. My house isn't ever "dirty", it's always just been "fine". But that is not good enough for me. It's a cop out to what I can do and what I can organize and there is always something I can do around here.
     I don't want to be perfect. I don't strive to be the best. I will mess up in one area of my life on a daily basis I'm sure. I will eat a bag of chips, knowing that the apple on the counter is better. I will hush the kids instead of listening so we can get something done quickly and efficiently and I will make nothing into a thing (even if it just for a few minutes) with Sammy. I will leave a load of laundry sitting on the couch or the bed more than once a week and I will be awkward in a crowd or when I don't want to be. But, I don't want those things to be what I feel like defines me. I want my life, my health, my kids, my relationships, my success to be more than fine. I want them to be great.


    Now if you're still with me, I will briefly say what I've done the past few days in regards to working out/eating.
Friday: I forgot my nephew's birthday party was right at my workout time. I did that work out early and went light on a small bite of cake and ice cream. Soon after though, I chowed down on some cheese puffs and doritos. Then Smarties. Yum.
Saturday: My day of rest. Took the kids to a roller skating party (FUN). Ate a piece of pizza and Caralee's crust (the best part) and then went home and ate a smoothie for dinner.

It was all fun and games until Jackson realized that he had on "little skates" and he wanted the big ones so he could go fast. Poor guy, he tried so hard to go fast and fell so many times. Ultimately, he ended up so cranky that he wasn't the best that we had to leave. It was sweet to see how hard he tried. 

Sunday: Woke up in the 130's because of my day of rest and had a good day. That evening, Caralee and Jackson wanted sandwiches for dinner. I make homemade bread and my last batch was the best ever so I figured I'd eat a sandwich (hold all the condiments and cheese) and work it off with the Ripped in 30 DVD. Then, devastation struck as my DVD player held the DVD hostage. I didn't really try to hard to get it out and did 30 minutes on the elliptical working off 375 calories.
Monday: Tired, exhausted after helping Jackson control his asthma all day and didn't "wake up" until almost 10:30. Ate a handful of this and that (read: chips, Reese Puff cereal and marshmallows).  Ate a tiny sandwich and a sweet potato. Then for dinner had a small bowl of chicken noodle soup. Then banged out that work-out on level 3. My arms are hating me right now. Still waking up at 140. Arghh. I know, it's just a number but it really annoys me. Can I just wake up and be 133 tomorrow, please.

Overcoming Challenges

     Ya'll... I did it... I SKIPPED my late night post dinner, post workout fat snack. After I put the wild one's to bed around 8-8:30 I settle in on the recliner, turn on the TV and drink a cup of coffee and my favorite chocolate granola bar. Tonight, I settled in and picked up my bar and didn't eat it. I got up and put it back in the pantry. I almost ate it because I told myself I was just going to get up later and get it anyway. But it's an hour later and I do not want it. I made a cup of apple cider and drank a ton of water.  This is when I get motivated to get in shape. When I resist something I love because I'd rather be in shape. I also did not have any sweet tea or diet pepsi today.
 
   I ellipticalled for the first two days. Then for the past three days I have moved back to the Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 DVD. I love this DVD, can not say enough good things about it and have had really awesome results. It's shorter than the time spent on the elliptical, it works the whole body and Jackson and Caralee join in on the working out. If anybody wants to do the DVD with me, I have room for more people to workout and I will be doing it every evening around 7! Today I did level 3. My legs and arms are dying right now. By the end of the 20 minutes my arms were shaking doing sissy pushups  and my legs were shaking with every squat. It felt awesome. It really made me wish I hadn't of stuffed my face with dinner. It would have been a lot easier with less in my belly. Losing weight would be a lot easier if I was a bad cook. Below is my dinner.


     I had a serving of pork loin from the grill, rice, tomatoes, sweet potato (yes, with bad for you butter and brown sugar). And my fruit, which is on a MUCH smaller plate than dinner is just strawberries, pineapple and a little bit of banana. Yum. Breakfast was a smoothie. Lunch was a salad with turkey pepperoni and two pieces of thin sliced ham. I always skip salad dressing. But only because I hate all salad dressing aside from the oil and vinegar on the salad from Olive Garden. But that is it.      I also took my before pictures today. I never take them before I start losing weight. I always wait a week so I will actually be okay with looking at them later.        I had so much more energy and patience today. I am sleeping better and my fat jeans are not as tight. I know it's only been almost a week but I'm feeling better all around.      I ran into somebody the other day that I went to high school with who reads my blog sometimes. I was really glad to be stuffing my face with salad when she saw me instead of a big ole sandwich or burger or something! haha!! To know that I may be motivating somebody/anybody, motivates me. Yes, I want to feel better about myself for me, but it always is encouraging to hear it from somebody else. I know how draining it is on your self esteem and moods when you are unhappy with your body and I know how rewarding it is to feel good in your little sister's jeans. Transforming yourself is something to be proud of, it's hard. 

Kids Art Display

And my most recent pinterest project. Sammy isn't crazy about it but I LOVE IT. The kids love it and it was my first project where I went to the lumber part of Lowe's. I measured, I sanded and then I measured and marked to hang these things up. I even used a level. BIG DEAL. Directions found here. 

TIP:When needing to mark places on the wall, just dot it with an eyeliner pencil, it wipes right off afterwards if you need to move your mark. 

    

Karma

     I do believe in karma. Today my good karma came when I decided to quit being lazy and do my workout. I was going to wait until 8 p.m. to workout because I thought maybe I'd catch a good TV show. I had my workout clothes on at 4 p.m. and just made excuses with cleaning to not work out until 6:30 p.m. rolled around. I went out to the garage, jumped on the elliptical and turned on the TV. NCIS was on.... it was a special episode with the cast of NCIS: LA (The ladies really do love Cool J) as part of their team. My two favorite shows meshed together, just for me, as a way to congratulate me for not procrastinating. I busted out a 30 minute session/3.2 miles/365 calories burned. That was the first time I have ellipticalled since we moved back to SC, 7/8 months ago. It felt good and I'm excited to do it again tomorrow.

**Truth: The only real reason I worked out is so I wouldn't have to write "well, I didn't workout again today". <--Sammy called me out on that earlier. Haha** Accountability. Find somebody who will keep you straight. Whether it be a friend or a blog that you write so some stranger knows whether you're getting your workout on or not. That's why I do it.

Before: Ready to do it.

After: Exhausted with two cute photobombers who were super excited I was taking a picture. 

    Meal Breakfast: Caramel Nut Granola Bar- Because I was lazy, late and didn't feel like actually making something to eat.
     Meal Lunch: Mom made homemade turkey soup, it was SO good. I had two small bowls of it and went light on the cheese/crackers.
     Meal After Lunch: Mom had made truffles.... MmmMM! Recipe is found here. I ate one and it was worth it. Then I ate a piece and a half of her homemade fudge with sea salt on top. Worth it again.
     Meal Dinner: My smoothie and an apple.
     Meal After Dinner/Workout: Caramel Nut Granola Bar, an apple and a handful of mixed nuts.
*Only drank water and black coffee all day. Skipped the sweet tea and diet pepsi!!
     So, looking back at this, I realize how much I love chocolate and how I really have no will power around it. I am happy with how I did today and I think I did good. Very glad I finally just "did" the workout that I have been dreading for a couple months now. Tomorrow my goal is to eat three REAL meals of 250+ calories and two to three snacks of fruit or something like that. Only water and at least a 30 minute elliptical session!
 

 

Procrastinator

     We all do it, say we're going to start something and then NOT do it on time. I am a procrastinator, a big one. I have procrastinated on this losing weight thing already. I didn't work out at all today and I'm not going to. I will do squats while I fold three loads of laundry tonight but that's it. THREE loads of laundry... I am a for real procrastinator. But something is better than nothing. I did some serious cleaning today and scrubbed bathtubs/showers and also finished up my wall painting. I didn't have a spare moment and didn't even get to watch one episode of NCIS today. And I am addicted to that show.
     Meal Breakfast: I ate a smoothie. Which is what I usually eat. I eat it the same way, every day.
1/2 banana
1" round slice of pineapple
4 strawberries
1/4-1/2 cup vanilla low fat yogurt
1/2 cup skim milk
1/2 cup orange juice
and however much ice it takes.
Then I finish it off with a hot cup of black coffee and cuddled up in a blanket on the couch while I shiver and shake the smoothie off. I normally will eat a peanut butter, chocolate granola bar with my coffee but I skipped it today.
     Meal Lunch: Well I usually like to eat a hot panini sandwich, either egg, bacon and cheese or ham/turkey pepperoni and cheese. Today I ate a salad and fruit. A big ole leafy green, all the extra veggies and half a serving of turkey pepperoni and two thinly sliced pieces of turkey. Salt and pepper and yummy. Then my dessert was an orange and some strawberries.
     Meal Snack: I split the granola bar three ways and had about 50 calories worth of it and another orange.
     Meal Dinner: I made pizza. And it was GOOD and I also have no regrets. I also enjoyed a little bowl of homemade salsa and chips (chips not homemade). The kids ate turkey pepperoni with cheddar/mozzarella. I made my own corner (and have left overs) of a little bit of cheese,  a couple pepperoni's, green/red pepper, sliced tomato, spinach, onion and basil. Delish. I used The Pioneer Woman's pizza dough recipe and will probably use it every time I make pizza. Found here.

Looks ugly, taste delish. 

     Meal After Dinner: Well there is this little drinky drink I like to make. It goes like this, flavored vanilla or caramel or just plain hot chocolate, mocha iced coffee and a splash of Bailey's. When I want to be really fat, I load the top full of mini marshmallows. To make it a skinny version I just use plain black coffee (medium roast Hazelnut is the best for this) instead of hot chocolate. And I skip the marshmallows. I told Sammy I was going to make one and he said "those are pretty fattening". I of course denied it. No way that iced coffee and Bailey's Cream was fattening. Psh, what does he know ;)  Knowing he was right I decided to make my skinny one tonight in spite of his rightness. About 1/3 of the way through it I decided to pour it out and drink my water. Lame, I better be skinnier for it in the morning.
     Meal After After Dinner: An orange.

All in all, I am pleased with how I did today. Definitely getting on the right track.

Time to Lose the Poundage

     Dun dun dun. There aren't any holiday parties coming up. I have ran out of excuses to eat junk food. Time to face the truth. I have gained 7-9lbs and two inches since October. Why October? That's when I let loose, it's birthday month in the family. Between the last of September and the last of October there are four birthdays. Then Thanksgiving, then four Christmas's, then football games, then New Years and I have only worked out a handful of times since then.
     Yikes. I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 140. Not the numbers I like to see at all. But I looked away, painted on my fat jeans and went about my day.

    Reasons I want to lose weight (yea yea, I know I'm "fine" how I am). 

1. I loaned my sister a pair of new jeans I fit into ONCE and I'd really like them back.
2. Target just put swimsuits out. I walked by them pretending not to look at them yesterday. I felt pretty embarassed.
3. Because I like being/looking/feeling skinny.
4. I like being able to wear all my clothes and not just a certain few things that make me look better than I am.
     My plan: I'm going to count calories. Try my best to skip out on bread. Ditch the chips/salty things. I will go back to eating off my skinny menu. Basically, to keep it easy I eat pretty much the same thing every day. I don't mind at all. I like it that way. Skip tea and soda's, just stick with water. Exercise. I will alternate the elliptical and Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred or her Ripped in 30 (because that workout really works). What ever exercise I do will be 30 minutes a day or less. I hate exercising. Running? Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not. No way. I will walk.
     Also, I plan on doing the GM Diet again. Just to kick start myself. Still have to think about this one.
     Goal: By Valentine's Day I will be back to 133 lbs. and 26" waist. Time to do this. Tomorrow.... haha, for real though. I painted walls all evening. I will workout tomorrow. Ate really well today.
     
     133 lbs. (never actually worn this dress yet)           140 lbs. (ehh, not bad either ;)